No Man's Pirates/Episodes/The Captain Needs to Go!

"The Captain Needs to Go!" (also known as "The Captain Needs a Wee!" in the UK dub) is the third segment of the seventh episode of the first season of No Man's Pirates. It is eleven minutes long.

Synopsis
After winning Contemptible Conrad's coconut milk drinking contest, Cap'n Madi really needs a wee, but there are no bathrooms for miles, and Cap'n Madi is scared of "going" in nature, due to being shy around others. Heymondbeard and Spud the Brave try to help her search for privacy, while trying to avoid the rivals. But will Cap'n Madi keep her trousers dry?

Transcript
(The episode begins with Madi drawing in the sand.)

Madi: Bored, bored, bored, there's nothing to do around here!

(Contemptible Conrad comes up to Madi.)

Contemptible Conrad: Hey, Luxie!

Madi: You again. I am not in the mood for your games, and I never will be.

Contemptible Conrad: I'm gonna challenge you!

Madi: To what, Contemptible Conrad?

Contemptible Conrad: It's a challenge of endurance! A challenge of speed! A challenge of will! A challenge of strength!

Madi: Can we please get this over with? Madi the Pirate has a life, too!

Contemptible Conrad: All right, fine! We're gonna see how much you can drink coconut milk.

Madi: Mmmm, I don't know if...

Heymondbeard: (o.s.) Psst, hey, don't take that challenge!

Contemptible Conrad: Don't listen to him! Accept my challenge and win it or you're gonna live in Throat Chop Town! Do you want that?

Heymondbeard: This is gonna go really really bad.

Madi: Oh, you're on, Connie, you're on!

(Cut to Madi and Conrad standing in front of a pile of coconuts. Heymondbeard, Spud, and Wretched Waldo are in front of them, acting as referees.)

Spud: Hey, the coconut contest will begin! One...

Contemptible Conrad: You are so gonna wish you didn't do this.

Wretched Waldo: Two...

Madi: I'm gonna wish that, too. When I kick your, that is!

Spud and Waldo: Three!

(Contemptible Conrad and Madi begin drinking.)

Madi: Ah, this is thirst-quenching!

Contemptible Conrad: This is what you've got? I'm already finished with my first one.

(Madi picks another coconut up and drinks it.)

Madi: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm halfway done with this one!

(Contemptible Conrad and Madi continue drinking coconut milk in a montage, until they just sit here, with one coconut left.)

Spud: By golly, there's only one coconut left.

Wretched Waldo: If one of them drinks it, they'll be the winner.

Contemptible Conrad: You want a Throat Chop?

Madi: Not if I get my paw on this.

(Madi and Contemptible Conrad have a slap fight over the coconut, until Madi Sparks Contemptible Conrad's paw, causing Madi to take the coconut and drink it, winning the contest.)

Spud: And Cap'n Madi is the winner, by a single coconut!

Contemptible Conrad: Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

(Contemptible Conrad throws his prosthetic leg at the gang, but it hits Wretched Waldo in the face and then he falls into the sand.)

Heymondbeard: Hey, hey, hey! Great job, Captain!

Spud: Golly, you're number one!

Madi: Nifty! I am number one, Spud the Brave!

(Madi starts doing a dance as her paws pressed against the front of herself and she crosses her legs.)

Madi: Which reminds me...

Heymondbeard: What?

Madi: I gotta go!

Heymondbeard: Go? Where to?

Madi: Come on, Dudebeard! You know, go!

Heymondbeard: Hey, you can't go anywhere!

Spud: Heymondbeard, you dolt! What she's trying to tell you is that she

Heymondbeard: Hey, now I know what she means.

Madi: Are there any facilities on the island?

Spud: Sure, M.! Golly, pick a tree, any tree!

(Madi gives Spud a confused look.)

Madi: I really can't tell if you're joking or not.

Heymondbeard: Hey, he isn't, Captain. There are no toilets, so you're just gonna have to go on the island.

Spud: Golly, you're gonna be roughing it.

Madi: What? Yuck! No! Absolutely not! It's much too public.

Heymondbeard: Hey, we're gonna help find you some privacy. Hey, I've also got something for you.

(Heymondbeard reaches into his hat.)

Madi: Please let it be one of those camping toilets.

(Heymondbeard gives Madi a toilet roll.)

Heymondbeard: You're really gonna need this, Madi. Hey, I know how much you don't like resorting, so I though I'd make this more comfortable for you.

(Madi takes the toilet roll and stores it in her hat.)

Madi: I'm lucky to have a first mate who carries around toilet paper in his hat. He's been doing that ever since that poison leaf incident back when he went on that camping trip with his sheepdog.

(Cutaway shot to Heymond shuffling uncomfortably while Kanoa watches.)

Kanoa: Is there something wrong, Heymond?

(Cut back to Madi and Heymondbeard.)

Heymondbeard: Now let's focus on finding you some privacy!

(Heymondbeard grabs Madi by the paw and they run off.)

(Cut to Madi and Heymondbeard trying to find a bathroom. They walk up to a tree.)

Heymondbeard: Hey, how about here?

Madi: Err...

(A Wingull flies down.)

Madi: Excuse me, but I need privacy.

(Several more Wingull fly down, and one of them uses Water Gun, making Madi flinch, but luckily she dodges the Water Gun.)

Madi: Eep!

(Cut to Madi and Heymondbeard finding another tree.)

Heymondbeard: Here, maybe?

Madi: Dude, that isn't a tree.

(The "tree" then gets up and walks away, revealing it to be an Alolan Exeggutor.)

Heymondbeard: Now I know why they call it the walking jungle!

(Cut to Madi and Heymondbeard finding a patch of very tall grass.)

Heymondbeard: Hey, I can guarantee you this has privacy.

Madi: All right, Heymondbeard...

(A telescope pops out.)

Madi: Oh, dear! That telescope's looking at us!

(While Madi and Heymondbeard walk away, Spud the Brave walks out, revealing that he has the telescope.)

Spud: Golly, I just wanted to use this for fun.

(Cut to Madi and Heymondbeard finding a large rock.)

Heymondbeard: Hey, hey, hey! Now you can go!

(The large rock suddenly breaks as it is revealed that Spunky was using Rock Smash on it.)

Madi: Thanks a lot, pal!

Spunky: Sorry!

(Madi storms off, with Heymondbeard following behind.)

(Cut to an antsy Madi sitting next to the rest of her crew and Siltquake.)

Madi: Arrrgh! No matter where I try to go, there's always no privacy! Come on, where's the respect?

Siltquake: Great googly moogily! That's a big problem.

Madi: I know that!

Spud: Hey, M., why don't you just go in the ocean?

Madi: Um, no.

Spud: Golly, what do you mean, um, no? Lots of pirates have used the ocean as a toilet, including me.

Heymondbeard: He has a point.

Madi: Because all the Gyarados and Lapras and Sharpedo don't like it! Besides, I really have to keep my trousers dry, so that they'd be comfy and easy to wear.

Heymondbeard: Captain, why don't you want to go on the island?

Madi: Because I'm way too smart to use the world as a toilet!

Heymondbeard: Madi, have you ever um... gone in nature before?

Madi: N-n-no. I was er... a bit too shy... and the thought of going in nature... is so scary.

Heymondbeard: Then what did you ever do when you were out in nature?

Madi: I either didn't drink anything, or held it in until I found a bathroom.

Spud: Even if Heymondbeard tried to coax her into using nature.

Madi: But I guess I have no choice now...

(Madi looks around until she finds a palm tree with a bush.)

Madi: Yes!

Siltquake: What's gotten you so happy?

Madi: I finally found somewhere suitable to go! Now I'll be right back! Don't look at me!

Heymondbeard: Hey, okay, we won't!

(Madi walks in between the palm tree and the bush and she attempts to use the tree, until...)

Contemptible Conrad: Oh no you haven't!

Madi: Contemptible Conrad, you snitch! I'm trying to go here!

Contemptible Conrad: This is not your spot, Luxie. We don't allow spots to losers, isn't that right, Wretched Waldo?

Wretched Waldo: Yes, it is, Luxie! Ha-har! (coughs)

Contemptible Conrad: Go take a cough drop already!

Wretched Waldo: No!

Madi: Arrgh, quit pushing buttons, you guys! I told you to get out of my way or I'm gonna Spark you and go all over you! It's your fault anyway!

Spud: By golly, Connie, fetch!

(Spud takes Contemptible Conrad's leg away and runs off with it, prompting the rivals to give chase. Meanwhile, Heymondbeard comes up.)

Heymondbeard: Hey, M.? Did you go?

Madi: No such luck yet. I'm gonna go deep in the jungle to see if there's anything more private.

Heymondbeard: Mind if I help you, Captain?

Madi: No, because I need privacy!

(Madi runs off.)

(Cut to Madi in the jungle. Madi is behind a tree as she pulls her trousers down and tries to use the bathroom, but a Nuzleaf jumps out and makes some music with its flute, scaring Madi.)

Madi: Eeep! And I didn't even go yet!

(Madi pulls her trousers back up and runs off.)

Madi: Ha-ha-ha-har! Someone carved this tree stump to make it look like some makeshift toilet!

(Madi pulls down her trousers and sits on the "makeshift toilet.")

Tree stump: I ain't no makeshift potty! Now get off me and pull your trousers up before I suck you in!

(Madi quickly gets off and pulls her trousers back up.)

Madi: (to the audience) Okay, when the tree stump starts talking, you know this is gonna be a weird day.

(Madi runs off. Cut to Madi behind a bush.)

Madi: Third time's a charm, I guess. There's probably no disturbance around he...

(Randy appears and tries to look at Madi just as she pulls her trousers down and is prepared to use the bush.)

Madi: ...re. Oh, dear.

(Madi turns away and closes her eyes. She tries to go, but she doesn't.)

Madi: Well, I can't hold it in forever.



(Madi is still trying to go, but she can't.)

Madi: Dagnabbit! I hate my shy bladder!

(Madi pulls her trousers back up and dances off, with Randy dancing along in pursuit as a song begins to play.)

Madi: ♪One day I took a challenge&lt;br /&gt;To drink the most coconuts&lt;br /&gt;But then I needed &lt;br /&gt;And now I'm about to bust!&lt;br /&gt;Now I gotta, I gotta go do the bladder dance!&lt;br /&gt;I gotta, I gotta, go do the bladder dance!

My body is too scared and shy&lt;br /&gt;To go into the woods&lt;br /&gt;I try to answer nature's call&lt;br /&gt;But I can't release my floods.&lt;br /&gt;Now I gotta, I gotta go do the bladder dance!&lt;br /&gt;I gotta, I gotta, go do the bladder dance!♪

(Madi stops behind a large bush and attempts to pull her trousers down and go behind it, only for the bush to rustle, causing Randy to flee.)

Madi: ♪Hoo boy, what will I do?♪

(Heymondbeard and Spud come out from behind the bush.)

Heymondbeard: Have you gone yet?

Madi: No, I haven't gone at all! Even when I spent 45 minutes squatting behind a bush and trying.

Spud: By golly. Poor Captain.

Madi: I'm probably gonna hold it in for the rest of my life because of this.

(Madi takes a walk with her crew.)

Heymondbeard: M., that's not good for your body. Eventually, your body'll stop being shy and let itself go.

(Madi, Heymondbeard, and Spud end up on the beach.)

Madi: Here's Connie and Waldo, behind that same tree I tried to use.

Spud: Yeah, but how are you gonna get past them?

Madi: I'll just Tackle them out of the way!

Heymondbeard: They're probably not gonna let you use it.

Madi: I don't care! I'm gonna use that tree and no one's gonna stop me!

(Madi runs off.)

Spud: Should we stop her?

Heymondbeard: Nah, when you've gotta go, you've gotta go.

(Madi Tackles the rivals, sending them away from Madi, who pulls down her trousers and squats against the tree!)

Madi: Out of my way, bad guys!

(Madi has a bit of a panic attack, then she finally goes behind that tree and she sighs of relief!)

Madi: Oh, sweet relief! He-hey! Guess "watering" that tree wasn't that bad! I'm not scared anymore!

(Contemptible Conrad stares at Madi from afar, but she hasn't stopped going.)

Contemptible Conrad: Look at ol' Luxie! She's sprung a leak!

(Contemptible Conrad tries to sneak up to Madi, but he slips and loses his leg.)

Contemptible Conrad: Whoa!

(Wretched Waldo catches Contemptible Conrad's leg.)

Contemptible Conrad: Give that back!

(Contemptible Conrad and Wretched Waldo fight each other, until they bump into a coconut tree. Both of them get knocked in the heads by coconuts as a results. Cap'n Madi laughs at this.)

(Cut back to Madi's crew, waiting for her while she goes.)

Heymondbeard: Hey, she's been behind that tree for a minute now!

Spud: Golly, well, she does like to take her time.

Heymondbeard: Or she may still be shy. She either needs to or get out from behind that tree!

Madi: Nifty! I'm finished!

(Madi finishes pulling her trousers up as she walks out from behind the bush, proud that she used the tree.)

Heymondbeard: Hey, hey, hey! Well done, Madi!

Spud: By golly, you've roughed it really well!

Madi: I did it! I'm not scared or shy anymore!

Heymondbeard: You even got the rivals to not disturb you!

Madi: Oh, my "natural means" got them away.

Heymondbeard: Way to "go", Captain.

Madi: You're right, Dudebeard. Way to go, me!

(Madi smiles.)

(cut to: The No Man's Pirates are sitting in front of a large screen.)

Spud: By golly, now it's time for...

The No Man's Pirates: Our Pokédex entry of the day!

Madi: And today's Pokémon is...

(Wingull appears onto the screen.)

Madi: Wingull, the Seagull Pokémon!

Heymondbeard: Hey, hey, hey, that's right!

Spud: Wingull ride updrafts rising from the sea by extending its paper-thin wings to glide!

Madi: Mmm-hmm. Also, wherever they circle, the ocean is sure to be teeming with fish Pokémon!

(Madi gets out a bucket of Wishiwashi, and several Wingull surround her.)

Madi: Hey, pretty birds, you sensed me fish bucket, did you?

(The Wingull attack Madi, and she screams.)

Madi: Don't just stand there, you dolts! Help!

Heymondbeard: Anyways, thanks for coming on our pirate adventures!

Spud: Yup, yup, now it's time to end our show!

Music

 * Title card
 * The opening
 * Contemptible Conrad challenges Madi.
 * The coconut milk drinking contest
 * Madi and Contemptible Conrad fighting over the coconut.
 * Madi has to go to the bathroom.
 * Heymond and Madi search for a bathroom.
 * Madi talks to Siltquake and her friends.
 * Madi spots a tree.
 * Contemptible Conrad pops up.
 * Madi runs into the jungle, trying to search for a bathroom
 * Randy watches Madi trying to go behind a tree
 * Background music to The Bladder Dance
 * Madi is sad.
 * Madi and the crew spot the rivals behind the same tree Madi tried to use earlier.
 * Madi jokes about "watering" the tree.
 * Contemptible Conrad and Wretched Waldo get defeated.
 * Ending