If the Super Mario games were pay-to-win mobile games

Inspired by this Reddit post. Alternatively know as "If the Super Mario games were made by King.com/Zynga/Gameloft."


 * Ads galore!
 * Bowser's Castle is currently closed. You only get one attempt per day! You must wait 23:59:26, or purchase a Castle Pass. Would you like to purchase a Castle Pass for 250 Mushroom Gems?
 * Super Mushroom 15 Pack ONLY $6 for a limited time!
 * Christmas Sale! Penguin Suits available FREE for a limited time.
 * Power ups automatically disappear after 2 days. To keep your power-ups, please pay 5 Mushroom Gems.
 * Hammer Suits and Super Stars available for $99.99 with the purchase of the Super Player’s Package! Also includes 25 1-Up Mushrooms and 20 Cape Feathers!
 * Maximum number of lives is 5.
 * Out of lives! Please wait for them to recharge at midnight EST, or get them now for 50 Mushroom Gems
 * 3 Mushroom Gems = $10
 * 500 Mushroom Gems = $100 (best deal!)
 * The Item Slot is unlockable for 50 Mushroom Gems.
 * To travel to more worlds in the Mushroom Kingdom, you must have 5 friends. Would you like to connect to Facebook now?
 * Like us on Facebook and receive a free Cape Feather!
 * Mister Fuckshits McGee invited you to play Super Pocket Mario!
 * Mister Fuckshits McGee just beat World 1-1!
 * Mister Fuckshits McGee needs YOUR HELP defeating Boom Boom!
 * We miss you! Come back and you'll get 3 Cape Feathers and a Boomerang Flower!
 * Summer Sale! Fire Flowers only 15 Mushroom Gems until August 12th!
 * Nabbit got away with your stolen power-ups! Would you like to get them back for $4.99?
 * Nabbit is an unlockable playable character. To unlock him, you have to capture him at least once and pay 500 Mushroom Gems right after.
 * To get a Yoshi’s Egg to hatch Yoshi, you either have to pay 300 Mushroom Gems or wait 24 hours to get a free piece of Yoshi’s Egg Shell.
 * Don’t forget to log in each day though! Miss a day before you complete the egg and you start all over again.
 * Sometimes, Yoshis become sick after they hatch. To heal them, it’ll be 25 Mushroom Gems, otherwise, you have to abandon them. Because that’s totally not emotional blackmail!
 * If you miss one or more Star Coins in a level, you'll have to pay 50 Mushroom Gems each. If you don’t, you will never be able to collect them again.
 * If you beat a level, you get Mushroom Gems in a Mushroom Bank. Once it's filled up, you have to pay $4.99 to break it, otherwise your Mushroom Gems will disappear! Because that's totally not ransomware!
 * Mushroom Houses cost 20 Mushroom Gems to unlock.
 * Sometimes, there are Toads in cages that block your way. To free them, you have to pay 200 Mushroom Gems, and if that's paid, you have to wait 12 hours for the Toad to be freed.