MICHAEL ROSEN LUNCH.EXE THE LOST VHS

it's been three thousand years since i did one of these

one super duper hyper realistic fucking day i went to some guy's yard sale and they had a whole bunch of weird stuff like several things like pokemon black (like the creepy one on game boy not the one from gen 5) a bunch of unlabeled, unboxed dvds that weren't protected in any way (goddamn they're going to get scratched) some mogus plushes (for some reason they were positioned like they were doing some sort of satanic ritual with a dead purple one in the middle) and the thing that piqued my interest the most was this dark red vhs tape that was labelled DO NOT WATCH in red sharpie

so i decided not to buy it or watch it and i just went to walk home pretending i hadn't seen the sale

at least i was until on the ground i saw some other plush i'm not sure how to describe it it sort of looked like two other plushes were split in half vertically and one half of each was stitched together but that couldn't be the case there were no stitches to indicate this it was as if it was designed like this

i couldn't even describe it to you it was very complicated to explain

out of curiosity i picked it up i didn't know if it was from the yard sale or not and i looked at it and the plush...spoke to me...it sounded like some unplaceable mix of an american and british accent, how curious

hello sir, my name is dreamtdm, thank you for picking me up

dreaming? yeah i knew i was dreaming how do i wake up

nononononono i mean my name is dream t-d-m you are most certainly awake right now

oh it looks like you are two halves of one person

yes i am

ok um could you tell me who

bruh you don't know

are you cartoon characters?

i'm two seperate halves of two different minecraft youtubers

oh is that what the kids are doing these days

how do you know what pokemon and among us is but not minecraft youtubers

i have selective thinking...wait how did you know i knew that

fuck this give me your brain for a sec

WHAT

NnNnNnNnNnNnNnNnNnNnNnNnNnNnN

do you understand now

yes i do you are two halves of the two most subbed minecraft youtubers

well technically that's not true since i possessed him when he had a couple million subs...but yes that's the idea, do you trust me

vaguely

ok what i want you to do is go back to that yard sale and buy that red vhs tape i know the owner he's a friend of mine he'll give it to you for free if he sees you're with me

i wasn't sure how this was possible but i went back and bought the vhs tape and the guy at the stall was staring at me very strangely and he had a smile that looked slightly too big for his face it was quite unnerving he said the vhs was free but idk if he noticed the plush or if it was they knew each other ok what do i do now?

go home and watch it you'll see

so that's exactly what i did and it started walking and following me because this is totally possible and i wasn't the slightest bit worried of a plush walking by itself hell nah

when i got home i got out my old dusty vcr and put the vhs tape in and nothing happened for a while that's because i forgot to turn on the tv and then there was a black screen and nothing was happening for a million nanoseconds or something idk if was the tape or my player but then something did come up, it was a paramount warning, but it just said die???????? i mean i know people find that paramount feature presentation thing scary but this one is outright telling me to die

needless to say, i was rather intimidated by this, but unfortunately the worst was yet to come

as this was a vhs i wasn't expecting there to be a button to go forward because that doesn't make any sense but for some reason there was one? it faded in and it was bright red and just said 'forward' and i wasn't sure what to do so i just pressed fast forward on the remote and it went to the other menu and it was so unbelievably scary the background was grey there was a shadowy figure with glowing red eyes and hyper realistic blood absolutely everywhere and in chiller text (the scariest font ever) the title said

The gates of hell are calling...

the button said play feature and the music wasn't really music it was a load of static hissing and someone speaking some language i didn't understand but it was really scary

BUT I'M NOT DONE YET when i finally pressed the fast forward button the screen hyper realistically glitched and the sound went EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

AND MY FUCKING EARS WERE FUCKING BLEEDING HYPER FUCKING REALISTIC FUCKING BLOOD HOLY FUCKING FUCK WHOEVER MADE IT SOUND LIKE THAT IS A MOTHER FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCKER

the screen went black suddenly and there was a demon laughing maniacally and some japanese text came up which i didn't know, there was a lot of kanji, and there was another warning screen in japanese but it looked like a normal warning but in japanese, did i mention how scary other languages are? and there were scary logos playing in the background which were also extremely scary

it then came up with a paramount feature presentation bumper but in japanese and black and red and the music was so incredibly distorted and grainy and terrible and the noise was hyper realistic there was all this static and it was so scary u guys, and then another warning screen in japanese with some backwards music playing, and satantic ritual, i don't think there's any other way to express this but HOLY SHIT GUYS IT WAS SCARY

and then there was this other columbia bumper in half japanese half english and it said you may have noticed a red leading edge bearing the RCA/Columbia Pictures logo on the cassette you're now watching, and i was so confused because i thought this was paramount and the whole vhs was red and i didn't know if that counted, and then the vhs turned even darker and hyper realistic blood was leaking out of it and then cursed kleenex commercial it's a fine day people open windows it's going to be a fine night tonight it's going to be a fine day tomorrow w w w w w wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and then the worst thing happened, there was this video that started playing it was about michael rosen but it was all red and black and it felt like it was from the depths of hell itself and it was zooming into his face and he was growling

TIME FOR LUNCH

MUNCH MUNCH

TIME FOR A MUNCH

CRUNCH CRUNCH

MUNCH MUNCH

CRUNCH CRUNCH

M U N C H Y M U N C H Y

C R  U  N  C  H  Y     C  R  U  N  C  H  Y

300px but that wasn't even the scariest part, the actual scariest part was when it changed to look like an actual youtube video and three guys were crouching down on a minecraft world with an outline of a person in the ground and above it instead of saying something like 'suggested' it said

'''Watch this video right now or suffer the unending damnation of hell. This is not a threat. If you don't watch, you'll die.'''

the rest of the the suggested boxes were covered up by static so i couldn't select them or even see them, there was no exit button and the screen was mostly frozen, and about this point for some reason that plush was looking intently at the screen and at me like he wanted me to watch it

having no other possible choice, i went forward even though this minecraft video was giving me bad feelings, and that's strange considering there was nothing out of the ordinary

ps this next part is loosely based on what i have interpreted as a dream manhunt mixed in with the crepypesta narrative because i have never watched one outside of very short clips and i'm not watching one just to write this part, i'm just not -_-

the other video started with some more red static and chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh then a green man with a face on his body was running and the three other people were following him and some weird song was playing and then i looked at the plush and it was funny...the right side of the plush looked similar to the green man if he was changed into a standard person the half a mask looked like the face and the hoodie was also the same green and with white trousers, i also noticed one of the people chasing him looked like the left side of the plush, is this the other character

update: one of the producers is telling me that's not only incorrect but blatant blasphemy so i'm just going to move on QUICK SHE LOOKS REALLY MAD AT THAT COMPARISON

the green man was being ☆★Super Amazing MLG 360 Noscope☆★® ™ and the same producer is now telling me to never say that again so i won't but the water bucket was suddenly hyper realistic blood and the music was in reverse the sky went black and the clouds were lightning and it was striking and burning trees down and the onceler was chopping down trees with various machines and then i realised that short part relating to the onceler hadn't happened and it was just my imagination for some reason 🤔

but everything else was happening, and then there were various cuts and parts where the three people could have captured the man running but for some reason they didn't and then he went through a portal to the nether and the nether looked disturbingly realistic and now he looked like the same half person as my plush but he had red eyes the three others went in and they took a wrong turn and fell into lava and it was hyper realistic and then i guess the guy won but the video didn't finish and he killed a blaze and five trillion blaze rods dropped then he bartered with a piglin and the piglin on sight did a hyper realistic shit into the hyper realistic lava and dropped five trillion ender pearls and he used these blaze rods and ender pearls to craft, not eyes of ender, but some sort of giant ball of pulsating darkness which he threw at the portal and it turned dark red and he went through and there was this mysterious transition of various colours and the time went backwards from 20XX to 2014

after 666 seconds of this the guy ended up, still in minecraft, at a laboratory in the desert and inside there was a person who i recognised as the actual other half of the plush (producer is nodding at me indicating this is in fact correct) who was nonchalantly talking to some among us crewmates who were around him and that was strange because i remembered at that yard sale there were among us crewmates looking like they were doing a satantic ritual which worried me but this part was ok because it was kind of cute the crewmates were only half his size and he was gently gesturing them to stand inside some arrangement of fence which they had no issue with and i thought oh has this scary vhs taken a light hearted turn can i sleep tonight can i sleep ever again

the answer to that is...lmao no

the scary green man tore the soul out the lime crewmate and put himself inside it which gave it the smiley mask and this part is where i was starting to get worried the other guy turned around and looked confused at the new crewmate it said

'sus'

and then he transformed back into himself and the other guy was really shocked he asked him 'is this part of the mod' he said it wasn't and that he needed him to summon another scary guy and when the other guy declined to be involved the green guy was screaming at him and then jumped on top of him and started pretty brutally corrupting him and no matter how much he begged for him to let go the green guy kept going and it was scary and then shock horror

he looked exactly the same as my plush

the guy on screen looked straight at me and the plush looked straight at me then the tv suddenly went to EXTREMELY LOUD static and then the plush TURNED INTO THE ACTUAL GUY FROM THE VHS/VIDEO/PROGRAMME/MOVIE I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU CALL IT CAUSE WHO THE FUCK PUTS YOUTUBE VIDEOS ON VHS

huh? the producer says she would?

weirdo

ANYWAY I WAS ACTUALLY LEGITMATELY NOT JOKING SCARED NOW YOU KNOW ALL THOSE TIMES BEFORE I SAID I WAS SCARED FUCK ALL THAT I WAS MORE SCARED AT THIS THAN EVERYTHING BEFORE PUT TOGETHER TIMES A TRILLION AND THEN I TOOK OUT THE VHS FROM THE PLAYER AND RAN BACK TO THE YARD SALE TO GIVE IT BACK BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY HOW YARD SALES WORK BUT THE TAPE SPILLED OUT AND THERE WAS STATIC AND IT SHOCKED ME AND IT HURT BUT I DIDN'T CARE I WENT OUTSIDE AND IT WAS RAINING HYPER REALISTIC WATER AND I RAN BACK TO THE YARD SALE AND I SAID I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK AND THE GUY WAS STANDING THERE WITH A HYPER REALISTIC UMBRELLA AND HE WAS SMILING AND HE SAID

i gave you it for free

I SAID SHIT I FORGOT AND THEN HE STARTED CHASING ME TOO AND I WAS RUNNING ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE TOWN AND THAT MUSIC STARTED PLAYING AGAIN FROM INSIDE MY OWN MIND BUT IT WAS REALLY SCARY AND DEMONIC AND THE TOWN STARTED GETTING MORE DESTROYED AND THEY WERE BOTH CHASING ME AND THEN THE SCARY EVIL MICHAEL ROSEN LOOKALIKE JUMPED FROM A WINDOW AND SAID YOU'RE MY LUNCH MUNCH MUNCH C R U N C H  C R U N C H  AND HE WAS CHASING ME AS WELL AND THEN SCARY LOOKING JUDGE JUDY AND JEREMY KYLE LOOKALIKES WERE CHASING ME AS WELL AND THEN THE SKY TURNED BLACK AND THEY WERE ALL LAUGHING AT ME SAYING THEY WERE COMING TO GET ME

AND THEN I WOKE UP AND NOTHING HAD HAPPENED AND I SAID PHEW

IT WAS JUST A DREAM

AND THEN OH MY GOD DREAMTDM.EXE WAS AT THE WINDOW AND HE SAID I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU

YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY AWAKE

AND THEN I RAN OUT MY HOUSE AND THE WHOLE SHIT STARTED HAPPENING AGAIN AND I WAS RUNNING AND RUNNING AND THE MUSIC WAS GETTING LOUDER AND LOUDER AND LOUDER AND FASTER AND FASTER AND FASTER UNTIL I COULD HEAR NOTHING ELSE BUT THAT SONG AND EVERYTHING ABOVE WAS STILL HAPPENING AND I STARTED TO FEEL OUT OF BREATH BUT THEY DIDN'T AND UNLUCKILY FOR ME THERE WAS NO PORTAL FOR ME TO RUN INTO BUT THERE WAS A TV AND I JUMPED IN WHEN A RANDOM LOGO WAS PLAYING AND THERE WAS A REALLY BIG LINE TO GO SEE THE LOGO FOR BEING SCARY AND ALL THE PEOPLE LOOKED ANGRY AT IT AND I HAD TO WAIT IN QUEUE BUT A SECOND LATER DREAMTDM.EXE CAME THROUGH THE TV AS WELL AND THEN I CUT IN LINE AND EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE WTF BUT THEN DREAM GOT THIS HEAVILY ENCHANTED DIAMOND SWORD AND CUT THROUGH ALL OF THEM AND THEY ALL DIED AND I SLIPPED ON THE BLOOD RIGHT UP TO THE RECEPTIONIST AND SHE SAID HELLO WHAT ARE YOU HERE TO SEE THE LOGO FOR AND I SAID I'M NOT HERE TO SEE THE LOGO THERE'S A MADMAN CHASING ME WITH ALL OF HIS HYPER REALISTIC ASSOCIATES AND SHE SAID I'M SORRY YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN AND THEN DREAM CHOPPED HER INTO A TRILLION PIECES AND THEN I RAN UP TO THE LOGO AND IT WAS A JAPANESE LOGO I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW AND IT ASKED ME SOMETHING IN JAPANESE BUT THEN I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO ANSWER CAUSE GUESS WHO CAME TO CHOP IT UP AND THE MANAGER CAME IN (WHY DOES A LOGO EVEN HAVE A MANAGER) AND HE SAID OH NO MY BEAUTIFUL LOGO AND THEN HE CRIED AND DREAM STABBED HIM AND I SAID I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND THEN I JUMPED OUT OF THE TV AND EVEN AFTER THAT FRUITLESS ENDEAVOUR THEY ALL CORNERED ME AND THEN I GOT MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF AND IT HURT AND I DIED

...

...

...

...

I suddenly woke up in bed. It was dark. I looked at the clock. 2:30am. I was relieved, but still apprehensive. I'd already woken up in the...I can't even say it. It's a curse. I know what will happen. I can't let it happen in real life. I'd already woken up in the sleeping vision so I was worried if I made a wrong move everything would start again.

I noticed there was something next to me.

It was a lime green Among Us crewmate plush.

Shite.

ABRUPT ENDING

ayilayjs

[[Category:To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The humor is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head.]]