If the Super Mario games were pay-to-win mobile games

Inspired by this Reddit post. Alternatively know as "If the Super Mario games were made by King.com/Zynga/Gameloft."


 * Ads galore!
 * Bowser's Castle is currently closed. You only get one attempt per day! You must wait 23:59:26, or purchase a Castle Pass. Would you like to purchase a Castle Pass for 250 Mushroom Gems?
 * Super Mushroom 15 Pack ONLY $6 for a limited time!
 * Christmas Sale! Penguin Suits available FREE for a limited time.
 * Power ups automatically disappear after 2 days. To keep your power-ups, please pay 5 Mushroom Gems.
 * Hammer Suits and Super Stars available for $99.99 with the purchase of the Super Player’s Package! Also includes 25 1-Up Mushrooms and 20 Cape Feathers!
 * Maximum number of lives is 5.
 * Out of lives! Please wait for them to recharge at midnight EST, or get them now for 50 Mushroom Gems
 * 3 Mushroom Gems = $10
 * 500 Mushroom Gems = $100 (best deal!)
 * The Item Slot is unlockable for 50 Mushroom Gems.
 * To travel to more worlds in the Mushroom Kingdom, you must have 5 friends. Would you like to connect to Facebook now?
 * Like us on Facebook and receive a free Cape Feather!
 * Mister Fuckshits McGee invited you to play Super Pocket Mario!
 * Mister Fuckshits McGee just beat World 1-1!
 * Mister Fuckshits McGee needs YOUR HELP defeating Boom Boom!
 * We miss you! Come back and you'll get 3 Cape Feathers and a Boomerang Flower!
 * Summer Sale! Fire Flowers only 15 Mushroom Gems until August 12th!
 * Nabbit got away with your stolen power-ups! Would you like to get them back for $4.99?
 * Nabbit is an unlockable playable character. To unlock him, you have to capture him at least once and pay 500 Mushroom Gems right after.
 * To get a Yoshi’s Egg to hatch Yoshi, you either have to pay 300 Mushroom Gems or wait 24 hours to get a free piece of Yoshi’s Egg Shell.
 * Don’t forget to log in each day though! Miss a day before you complete the egg and you start all over again.
 * Sometimes, Yoshi Eggs fail to hatch. To try again, it’ll be 25 Mushroom Gems!
 * If you miss one or more Star Coins in a level, you'll have to pay 50 Mushroom Gems each.
 * If you beat a level, you get Mushroom Gems in a Mushroom Bank. Once it's filled up, you have to pay $4.99 to break it, otherwise your Mushroom Gems will disappear! Because that's totally not ransomware!
 * Mushroom Houses cost 20 Mushroom Gems to unlock.