Jonah's Big Funny Adventure: A Robert & Benny Movie - transcript

===Hey, it's BP here. This is a script for the bad version of Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie from How To Make Good Movies Bad. Is the Brief Construction Montage tophat still on this site? I need it because nobody has finished this script, as it's been archived from the old RNW (yes, I'm aware this is a joke, but it's all in gud fun; also other users can contribute to this page, fyi) Also is there a "so hilariously awful" tophat here? Just a couple notes from your friendly neighbourhood Plague Doctor.===

Opening Scene
(Movie begins with DIC entertainment logo, followed by the Fox Kids logo and the 20th Century Fox logo.)

(Movie starts with long boring disclaimer.)

Khalil: Greetings! Make sure to go to the bathroom and poop before you watch the movie, since this is the TRUE story of Jonah; it isn't that phony stupid version you see in the Bible, no way, but the story I know from MY perspective, because I experienced it for myself! Anyways, how are you? I'm just waiting for the movie to start, anyway let's begin!

(Movie begins with Robert [AKA Bob the Tomato] driving kids.)

Laura Carrot: Mr. Robert, Mr. Robert! you need to pause the bus!

Robert: Why?

Laura Carrot: My pet echinda Knuckles pooped himself!

[congratulations for our first "joke"]

Robert: UGGHH......

Peppa Pig: I'm Peppa Pig!

(Peppa snorts and farts.)

Robert: BENNNNNNYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Benny: What?

Robert: A red echinda just pooped himself!

Spiderus: Look everyone! My name James Charles! Please kill me!

[if you get the reference then applause]

(Spiderus hijacks the bus)

Benny: Oh no, we're going to crash!

(Bus crashes into a building; and since this version is directed by Michael Bay, it explodes.)

Benny: What is this, the ending of Caddyshack?

Robert: Oh, dang it! The van exploded. Well, we're just gonna have to tell the story of Jonah!

Khalil's Descendant: I know the TRUE story! I'll tell you all of it!

The Story Begins
Khalil's Descendant: Now let's begin in the city of New Bug City, where my ancestor Khalil lived....

Khalil (singing to the tune of the Elmo's World theme):

La La La La, La La La La, I'm Khalil.

La La La La, La La La La, I'm Khalil.

Khalil knows everything, he wants to be a singer too,

'Cause I'm Khalil!

Spiderus: Well, you're not clear cut for a singer, not on Bug Idol or even Spiderday Night Live.

Khalil (singing):

Well if you don't get what you want, demand it more!

If you don't get what you want, demand it more!

I demand anything, like being famous,

So please get me on Bug Idol!

If you don't get what you want, demand it more!

(Khalil is trying to poop on Spiderus, but fortunately we cut to commercials.)

(Stage with red curtains)

Kermit: Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show!

(Cuts to seats with Muppets and The Muppet Show logo moving across the screen)

Announcer: Introducing the original, the best of The Muppet Show! Now on home video!

Audience: Yayyyy!

(Cuts to Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem playing music, with logo and phone number on screen)

Announcer: Call this toll-free number now and we'll send you your first Muppets video! Use your credit card and we'll throw in a second video! More Muppet mania featuring your favorite stars!

(Cuts to film preview)

C-3PO: Doesn't look like a princess to me!

Miss Piggy (as Princess Leia): Watch it, hardware!

(Cuts to background of a Veterinarian's Hospital sketch, showing two videos with price)

Announcer: That's two complete uncut Muppet videos for only $19.99! But that's not all! Call within the next 10 minutes and we'll cut the price in half! We'll send you two hilarious videos for only $9.99!

(Cuts to Fozzie and Kermit backstage)

(Fozzie taps Kermit)

Fozzie Bear: Trust me.

(Cuts to seats with Muppets and price with videos on screen)

Announcer: Then preview other great Muppets videos! Keep only those you want! Cancel anytime!

(Cuts to Fozzie and Kermit in front of closed curtains)

(Fozzie Bear slaps pie on Kermit's face)

Announcer: The Best of the Muppet Show is not available in stores so call now!

Fozzie Bear: Ayyyyy

(Cuts to information about video)

Announcer: Call 1-800-216-9977 and get two great Muppet Show videos for only $9.99 when you use your credit card! Or send $9.99 plus $3.99 shipping and handling to get rest the of them for free! Call now or order online at Timelife.com!

(Cuts to CGI Furby with 2005 Furby logo)

Kids: Hey Furby!

(Music plays in background)

(Cuts to girl playing with a Furby)

Girl: Hey Furby!

Furby: Yeah?

Girl: Show me a dance!

(Furby moves its legs while kids dance in the background)

Boy and girl: Hey Furby!

Furby: Doo?

Girl: Tell me a joke!

Furby: Knock knock!

Kids: Hey Furby!

Furby: What?

Girl: Sing me a song!

Furby: Me no listen.

(Cuts to two Furbies next to each other)

Announcer: With new Furby, you never know what's gonna happen! You just gotta say,

Kids: HEY FURBY!

(Girl hugs Furby)

Girl: I love you.

Announcer: New Furby, each sold separately. Batteries not included. You can find more fun at Hasbro.com.

(Camera cuts to kids running outside for recess)

(Kids spin Skip-It around their legs)

Singer:

Hey now kids come gather 'round!

See what just skipped into town,

So Skip-It, Skip-It, you wanna jump to the top,

Skip-It, Skip-It, skippin' and a screamin' and bop shoo bop!

'Cause the very best thing of all,

There's a counter on this ball!

So try to beat your very best score,

See if you can jump a whole lot more!

Skip-It, Skip-It, come on everybody!

Announcer: Skip-It! Roarin' good fun, from Tiger Toys!

(Cuts to room with animated Mr. Bucket)

Kids: It's Mr. Bucket!

Mr. Bucket: That's right! I'm Mr. Bucket!

Mr. Bucket (singing):

I'm Mr. Bucket!

I'm Mr. Bucket, toss your balls in my top,

I'm Mr. Bucket, out of my mouth they will pop!

I'm Mr. Bucket! We're all gonna run!

I'm Mr. Bucket! Buckets of fun!

Announcer: The game's Mr. Bucket! The first to get their balls into Mr. Bucket wins! But look out, 'cause the balls will pop out of his mouth!

Mr. Bucket (singing):

I'm Mr. Bucket, balls pop into my mouth,

I'm Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I'm about!

I'm Mr. Bucket! We're all gonna run!

I'm Mr. Bucket! Buckets of fun!

Buckets of fun!

Kid: I win! I win!

Announcer: Mr. Bucket from Milton Bradley.

Mr. Bucket (singing): Buckets of fun!

(Cuts to fishbowl with goldfish swimming, and Tamagotchi in front of the fishbowl)

Goldfish: Well, isn't Tamagotchi her new favorite pet?

Girl: Yeah.

(Girl grabs Tamagotchi and runs out of the room)

Goldfish: So what does that make me? Fish sticks?

(Shows different angle of the room, no longer focusing on just the fishbowl)

Girl: Oh are you hungry?

Goldfish: Oh no no no no no! By all means, feed it! Play your heart's content!

(Girl shows the goldfish her Tamagotchi)

Girl: Look, goldie! I took good care of her and she changed again!

Goldfish: Change?

(Goldfish jumps)

Goldfish: How about changes in water?

Mom (voice only): Katie, bus is here!

Goldfish: So Tamagotchi can cause...I think Boss too. Wanna see that again?

Announcer: Tamagotchi, the original virtual reality pet! Your chair determines the pets you get!

(Cuts back to film)

Khalil: Buy all our stuff or I'll poop and pee on you!

(Khalil finds a Female Caterpillar so then it cuts to a Say Anything reference.)

Female Caterpillar: Get LOST!

Ant Announcer: Attention! An echidna is attacking our city!

(A parody of the 1998 Godzilla movie happens, but with Knuckles.)